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Familyhood Newsletter
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June 24, 2003
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Familyhood Education Foundation and Kudos For Kids
When I was a much younger single Mother, I was working full time and raising a remarkable daughter. Her great strengths, dynamic and powerful personality provided me a handful of challenges. I felt angry and overwhelmed with her demands and her need for power. The power struggles took place mainly when I was the most tired or had a bad day. (For our different personalities, see disk #2 in the complete parenting program.) Had I understood her motives and needs better, we could have a much smoother time with far less dysfunction, bad feelings, anger along with a warmer relationship.
All behavior is learned. We teach and learn from our children as we inter-react with them and they learn from us in the same way. We can learn either functional or dysfunctional behaviors from each other (page 119, Your Children Will Whistle While They Work!).
If we are unaware, we can actually reward children for misbehaving and inadvertently train them to be irresponsible. In fact this happens in almost all homes. (I would bring home gifts of clothing, toys and treats to BUY her compliance)
When we reward a child for doing something he/she should not do, we are training him/her to misbehave. If a child begins to scream when you tell him/her it's bed time and he/she must put up the toys, and then, because he/she is screaming, you finally relent and allow him/her to stay up, you are rewarding this child for screaming. Screaming works for this child. He/she got what was wanted because of screaming. You can rest assured that this child will use screaming power again when it is needed.
We can also reward a child for not doing something she should do and thus she learns to be irresponsible. For instance, every morning Susan sleeps so late that she has no time to make her bed, so she just sneaks off to school without making it. Escaping the inconveniences of having to get up earlier and make her bed is a reward to Susan. By not taking action and allowing this situation to continue. Mother is training Susan to be irresponsible and sneaky. Susan has learned that being irresponsible and sneaky pays off.
I was rewarding non-compliance on a daily basis. Ask yourselves, what am I doing? Am I rewarding bad behavior? Am I teaching/modeling irresponsibility? Sometimes in our busy and stressful lives, we forget what is most important. Our relationships within the walls of our homes are the most valuable and are to be cherished. If there is a need for more peace in your home, if there is a need for better cooperation in your home, if there is a need for less arguing, fighting and all other hurt full behaviors, then consider the tools necessary to build healthy and happy families. The complete parenting program along with the Kudos For Kids behavior modification "game" will provide you with the solutions needed. This is what turned my life around in 1984. This program works.
Please feel free to e-mail me: jjones@deltnet.com.
Remember, we are your support and are here for you. And we love to hear from you!!
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